In my last post I referenced the fact that I had greatly refined and reduced my time spent surfing the internet. After following this new practice for about a month, I have to admit I'm a bit surprised at the results. I'm extremely happy with the newly freed hours in my life that have been claimed by more important and fruitful pursuits, yet I feel like I have a bit of a hangover from drinking in too much of what the internet offers. This is probably due to the addictive nature of my problem, and I'm confident it will decrease in intensity as I do my best to temper my online activities.
One of the first things I did when attacking this problem was deciding to rid myself of all "porn". I've placed the word "porn" in quotations for the moment only because I feel the need to qualify. Porn is bad, no matter what. I consider myself a good Christian girl from the midwest, so having to deal with this issue is doubly shameful to me. But, I think I got pulled into some porn because I don't view porn like non-transgendered men.
It is a rite of young manhood that you will be exposed to porn. I found myself in such situations when I was young. However, in my case, it didn't matter if it was magazines or videos, I was never interested in any sort of porn, straight, gay, or fetish. I attribute part of this to my Christian upbringing, and part to just confusion in my mind as I found myself fantasizing about being a woman and couldn't figure out where that placed me in the straight-gay-fetish timeline.
When the internet came along, a whole new world opened up to the transgender community. Tons of beneficial information and resources suddenly became available worldwide, and along with all this information came tons of bad things like porn. The porn industry has its tentacles firmly entrenched in the internet and does its best to infiltrate and pervert those areas of the internet that shun pornography. If you don't believe me, try doing an internet search for something completely innocent, such as searching for a favorite children's cartoon character, and see how far you have to go in the search results before you start coming across XXX sites.
My progression in internet surfing went like this: started with bona fide and legitimate TG websites, followed by websites featuring TG artwork, followed by TG caption and fiction websites, followed by websites featuring nicely and appropriately attired cross dressers, followed by racy and adult TG artwork, and capped with websites featuring cross dressers who "let it all hang out".
One day I took a step back and noticed that last group of websites -- letting it all hang out. On one hand, I enjoyed how feminine some of these cross dressers looked. On the other hand, they completely ruined their feminine appearance by proclaiming their masculinity. It was then that I noticed I was on a slippery slope and didn't like where I was heading. Something that appears both good and bad will ultimately just be bad for you in the long run.
I enjoy pictures of feminine cross dressers. I admire the work they put into looking like a woman. I admire their taste in clothes. I admire that they were brave enough to take that photo of themselves in the middle of Disneyland, or some such public place. Nothing wrong with that. The "let it all hang out" pictures proclaimed a pornographic aspect that I had never wanted in my life, but had sneaked in through an open window. I had to close that window, sweep out the house, and reclaim my home.
If Kelli Land was an actual place, I would want it to be a place the whole family could come with no fear that anything inappropriate would be within reach of anyone -- young or old, male or female. I don't want Kelli Land to be a glorified adult book store. I'm better than that, and by getting rid of the bad in my life, I've got more time for the good which will prove that I'm better.