Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Terror On 17th Street Update

Things have calmed down a bit at my place, and I'm overjoyed to say that I think the mouse is gone. True to their reputation, the critter appeared out of nowhere and returned to nowhere. I don't know how he got in and I don't know how he got out. I do have a theory as to why he visited my place, and those circumstances have been dealt with and eliminated for the moment. In the end, only I know how badly my tough guy image was shattered. It could have been worse... I could have been an elephant.

Was reminded of the movie Shallow Hal in which a guy is hypnotized into seeing people as they really are on the inside. For example, his girlfriend is incredibly... ah... er... heavy... no, maybe large is the word.... Anyways, he is hypnotized to see the inner person which is a funny, sweet, beautiful young woman. Fleeing from this mouse made me glad no one could see my inner sissy. Still, if such hypnotism actually existed, bad things would actually look bad to you and you could avoid them. For example, that peeping Tom that use to live down the street from me would look like the creep that he is, or that chocolate Sundae that I enjoy so much doesn't look so good when it has moved to your waist. Then again, why am I considering the pros and cons of something that doesn't even exist in the first place? I'll blame the mouse for this one.

My private life sometimes sounds like I live in some sort of institution decorated with plush wallpaper, but I really do live a normal life and can come or go as I please from my apartment. Only difference is that I'm a guy who sometimes wears sneakers and sometimes wears heels when I'm on the move.

Go Red Wings!!!


Friday, April 15, 2011

There's A Mouse In My House

This is not funny. There is a mouse in my house, and I'm just a little bit... ah... nervous about it.

I had just locked the front door for the night and was picking up a box on the dining room floor when I thought I saw something move in the kitchen. I stood still for a moment, then saw a large mouse scamper from behind the stove to the far end of the kitchen and somehow disappear. I can only say that he "somehow" disappeared because I took off running in the opposite direction. Yuck! I hate mice!

I threw on some clothes and ran out to buy some traps. I really, really, really wished I was a girl at the moment as most people could sympathize with a fretful young woman buying mouse traps, but a big, strong, fretful man buying mouse traps is a bit ridiculous. Okay, I'm not that big and strong, but it still doesn't look right. I really hate mice.

Returned home and started setting the traps. Oh, if one of those varmints had jumped out at me I would have jumped up on the nearest chair or counter top and screamed. I set two mechanical traps and two glue traps. I really wished the store sold something more drastic like land mines and unmanned drones, but beggars can't be choosers. I'm calling the landlady tomorrow. I hate mice.

I turned out the lights and retired to my bedroom, but didn't really feel like going to bed. Began updating blogs and such when I heard one of the mechanical traps go off. I put on my shoes, cautiously entered the living room, and turned on the light. Everything okay. I entered the dining room and turned on the light. So far, so good. I peered into the kitchen but could only see one trap, and it was still set. I turned on the light and actually entered the kitchen only to find that the trap closest to the kitchen door had been sprung, and there was no mouse in it. Now I knew, that sadistic little monster was toying with me. I turned out the lights and returned to the bedroom. This is going to be a long night. I hate mice.

All of this has got me feeling like a complete sissy. It's bad enough to look like a guy but feel like a woman inside. It really messes with my mind when I find myself acting like a "stereotypical" woman in certain situations, and for the record, I have never made fun or laughed at a woman because she was scared of mice. I share total empathy on this subject because I hate mice too.

I'm now barricaded in my bedroom, armed with a broom and several shoes, waiting for daylight or the sound of another trap in motion. It's times like this I'm glad I have always given general instructions for my funeral ("Just bury me in my best suit" male or female, "I want to look as natural as possible" male or female, etc.), just in case that devil mouse gets the better of me tonight. Dang it, I'm just plain old scared of mice!