Thursday, December 30, 2010

2011 Resolutions

Friday is the last day of 2010, so I should probably get a few New Year's Resolutions ready for 2011. Some are holdovers from last year that I managed to keep, but want to keep improving. Some are resolutions from the past that I remember making, but don't remember doing a thing about them, and then I have a few new ones. My New Year Resolutions include:

  1. Improving my appearance as Kelli. Autogynephilia lures me into a false state of being. For most of the time, I am perfectly happy to mentally be Kelli and physically appear as my male side, Kelly. Yet, take tonight as an example of the not normal. Tonight I want very much to dress the part of Kelli and go out, but first I'd better attack my legs. They haven't enjoyed a nice hair removal in several months. Bring on the gasoline-powered Weed Eater!
  2. Improve my knowledge and dexterity of makeup. The best way to learn about makeup is do some reading (fashion magazines, etc.) and then practice, practice, practice. That was the advice my last girlfriend gave me. She had a part-time business of selling makeup door to door and helped me out with a few freebies and coaching. Remembering those good times makes me almost forget why we broke up.
  3. Lose weight!!! Curse this boring desk job that I have. Wait, let me re-phrase that. I like my job, but I sit at a desk for eight hours a day. I am now convinced that I only have to read an ad for a restaurant in a newspaper to instantly gain two pounds. I've been researching things I can do at my desk or in the office that will help burn off a few calories, but I will probably rely very heavily on diet, which brings me to my next resolution.
  4. Improve my diet and cooking skills. I do fine cooking basic things, but have never tried anything that involved lots of ingredients or procedures. I love fresh veggies and would probably eat more if I were more experienced in cooking them many different ways. Eating more veggies along with not reading restaurant ads (see #3 above) I know will help me loose weight.
  5. Exercise. 'Nuff said. Who doesn't include this one in their resolutions.
  6. Improve this blog. I had some specific purposes and goals when I started this blog, and some of them got pushed to the side as I got distracted by various happenings in life. I hope to revisit some of these goals, better connect with my readers, and have a blog that people enjoy.
I thank each and every person who has read my blog. I appreciate each and every one and I'm working to improve my writing. As of this evening, I have 22 people signed on as regular visitors, and I am deeply honored by each and every one. I did research before starting my blog earlier this year and was fully prepared to not have any readers for a long time. Thanks.

Have a Happy New Year everyone!!!

Okay, I found the Weed Eater, now where's the hedge trimmer for the bush?


Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas!!!

I truly hope each and every one has a very merry Christmas and a joyous New Year. Here at Kelli's compound we are counting down the hours and minutes to Santa's arrival and looking forward to all the wonderful gifts he has for the good girls and boys.

Christmas is first and foremost a religious observance in my house. It is a time to celebrate the birth of our Saviour. There are not enough hours in the day for all the Christmas carols to be sung, all the special church services to be attended, all the friends and family to be visited, and all the prayers of praise and thanks to be offered. Still, somehow, we manage a little time to visit with jolly old Saint Nick, and I would truly miss him if he didn't stop in.

Lots of folks these days have decided that Santa Claus is operating in direct opposition to Christmas and the reasons we celebrate this holy day. Whether or not others like or dislike Santa Claus makes no difference to me. I would like to point out that the earliest stories and legends of Saint Nick portray him as a man of God, a poor man who decided to celebrate Christmas by giving gifts to local boys and girls. This man seems to have been purely motivated by love, his only thanks in the smiles and happiness of the children.

In my book, that would make Santa Clause an example of Christ. God gave His most precious jewel, His Son, to us because of His love for us, and all we can do is accept this gift (though some reject it) with joy and thanks.

One of my favorite Christmas decorations of all time is a nativity scene with Joseph, Mary, the baby in the manger, and kneeling by the manger with his head bowed is a jolly old man with a white beard dressed in a red suit. It's all about balance and priorities -- Christ first.

So tonight I'll put on my favorite nightie, jump into bed and get those sugarplums dancing in my head. Santa will pay his yearly visit and leave me something pretty to open on Christmas morning. Sunday morning I'll be in church, again celebrating the reason for the season.

Merry Christmas!!!


Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Mr. Sandman

Someone said I had the words to this song all wrong.

Mr. Sandman. Make me a dream.
Make my complexion likes peaches and cream.
Make my two lips a red rosy color.
Make me a soft and sexy female all over!
Sandman... I'm all alone.
Ain't got nobody to call my own
So please put on your magic beams.
Mr. Sandman make me a dream!

Kelli Y

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

On A Scale of Feminine to Feminine

Many, many moons ago, a very wise man (my therapist) suggested I keep a personal journal. I found the idea a bit silly and asked if he meant the sort of journal where I would write things like "Dear Diary, today the little red-haired girl smiled at me from across the room"? He said that was exactly the sort of journal he was referring to, that it would help me work through my thoughts and feelings, and would prove very beneficial. Although it was many, many years ago (practically the dark ages), I remember it like it was almost yesterday. I wanted to be cured of my transvestism (used more like a blanket term back in those days), blood letting and leeches did no good, and if my neighbors ever discovered my horrible secret, they would chase me out of town with torches and pitchforks.

So I started writing a journal and have continued doing so to this very day. I have found it therapeutic, extremely helpful, entertaining, and enlightening. From time to time, I review entries in this journal. For example, in December I will often glance at entries dated December from years past. Sometimes I make strange discoveries, like finding I feel completely different today than I did about some event ten years ago. Sometimes I come across really important items that I had lost track of or forgotten. It's even helped with personal relationships with family and friends over the years as my life sometimes plays like a soap opera.

I'll write about important things, work, family and friends, church, mundane things like where I live or visit on a daily basis. My journal also contains records of my actual dreams, my "crossdreaming", crossdressing, etc. It's been fun, educational, and very helpful to me and I always encourage others to try it.

So I was recently reviewing an old journal entry from about a year ago when I also came across an entry in Jack Molay's awesome blog about masculinity and femininity. My ex-girlfriend always accused me, Kelli, of being hyper-feminine and very girly-girly. I was shocked when she told me because although I like all things feminine, I had always tried to be just the "girl next-door" type. I've known crossdressers who were into little girl-type clothes, extremely frilly and lacy-type clothes, square-dance clothes with lots of petticoats, etc. I just wanted to look pretty in jeans and a shirt, and wanted to do so with as little effort and work as possible (latter part of that statement is still very much a work in progress). It took me a long time -- probably because I was born male -- to realize that there is a very broad area of play on my scale of feminine to feminine.

I think if and when I attain a level of satisfaction in presenting myself as Kelli, no one will notice. I want to look just like any other woman you see in the mall, at the grocery store, working in an office, etc. In my current attempts to reach this level, it is fairly easy to see that I am actually a guy although I have passed on several ocassions. Still, I dress and do my best to act like a normal woman. That is the area on the feminine to feminine scale that I try to cover.

My ex-girlfriend was a wonderful person, sweet, funny, and pretty. I found her to be all the woman a guy could ever want. I would consider her to be a normal woman, fitting perfectly centered in the feminine to feminine scale. However, she was at least a couple of inches taller than me, several pounds heavier than me, and to her surprise, stronger than me. Had we gotten married, she would have carried me over the threshold. I never thought of myself as looking weak or a "sissy", but looking back at the two of us standing side by side, she was definitely the masculine one in the relationship.

I always felt bad about that because I realized I was the one that was throwing the whole feminine to feminine scale off balance. While I denied acting hyper-feminine, I have to confess to acting feminine. My girlfriend by herself was feminine. My girlfriend next to me was masculine (or less feminine than normal). Me by myself was fairly masculine. Me by my girlfriend was less than masculine (or more feminine, which I could take as a compliment).

It's all somewhat illogical and confusing. It was also not fair to my ex because as I said, she was a wonderful, beautiful woman.

Masculinity and femininity are obviously sliding scales. That point was finally driven home to me in a dream one night. In the dream, I had to travel to a foreign country to meet a king. Before meeting the king, I met with people from his court who advised me on protocol. My basic manners were good enough, but my mode of dress was all wrong. My Sunday suit and tie just wouldn't do, so one of the staff gave me a royal gown suitable for my presentation to the king. I was pushed behind a dressing screen and told to put it on. When I started to put it on, I noticed what it looked like and started to complain. It looked like a white, one-piece nylon dress with a skirt that came to about the knees.

The staff told me there was no mistake and to hurry. I said there was a mistake as the dress had a skirt. The head servant said in that country it was their version of the kilt, and not to worry as that was not the entire suit of clothes. I put on the garment, matching tights, clunky shoes that had very high heels for male shoes, and left the dressing screen.

The staff were unanimous in their approval and proceeded to finish dressing me. I was given a white, powdered wig and a makeup artist came and lightened my facial skin with powder and makeup. A wide, black belt cinched me in at the waist, jeweled adornments were pinned to my chest, and a black bolero jacket finished things off. I asked to see a mirror just as another person who was about to be presented to the king entered the room. He was huge, well over six feet tall, with a bodybuilder physique that I thought was going to tear through the royal clothes he was wearing. His outfit seemed to be identical to mine, but the staff did not have a mirror at hand and I was unable to see myself.

We were both presented to the king, and afterwards escorted to a waiting chamber next to the throne room in case the king had further need of us. I and this huge bodybuilder guy sat in a couple of chairs with a dainty little tea table between us and quietly made small talk. A few other folks were in the room and I began to notice them and how they were similarly dressed. I noticed a young man and woman sitting across the room from us and started to smile at them when I realized something horrible -- the young woman and man across the room were actually our reflections in a large mirror. This guy was so big and beefy and I was so... uh... me... uh... not big and beefy, that from a distance we looked like a man and woman.

I awoke from the dream and wrote it down in my journal as it was definitely one of the stranger dreams I have ever experienced. Still, I think I learned something important from it: If I'm ever going to completely be Kelli, it would really help if I lived someplace that was predominantly populated by big beefy bodybuilding guys. I think future girlfriends and/or wife might appreciate that too.

Kelli Y

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Yikes! I Apologize.

I was accidentally very rude to a reader. I just became aware of my actions tonight and wanted to immediately apologize. A reader of this blog in November posted a comment to an entry I had written on voting and politics. Comments to my blog are moderated, but somehow her comment notice was lost in the system (either Google or my poor old Acer desktop) and I didn't find it until this evening. I am very red-faced over the incident and apologize. Tomorrow I am packing away my blonde wig so that maybe some of the ditzi-ness in my life will subside.

Emily's Virtual Rocket is the name of the blog and features transgender and transexual news articles. This kind of stuff is important. My writing may be often light-hearted, but every day I read news digests covering TG and TS issues, finding both the good and the bad. Knowledge is power and can help you in dealing with the important issues of your life, and I haven't met a TG, TS, or CD yet that could say their activities didn't have much effect on any part of their life.


Wednesday, December 8, 2010

It's The Great Turkey, Kelli Roberts!

[Ed. note: My apologies for any semblance -- living, dead, or imaginary -- to the Great Pumpkin.]

Sorry for not writing lately. I'll do a little ketchup writing in this blog entry.

So far as I know, none of the people elected to represent me at the local, state, and national level in November's election is CD, TG, or AG. Given the circumstances of being CD, TG, or AG, I probably wouldn't know that fact about them anyway. However, I am confident life as we know it will continue unabated. Michelle Obama has excellent fashion sense, so there is some good news out of Washington.

Found a new source for girl watching -- Spanish language network television. Good heavens! I was channel-surfing when I came across a young woman speaking Spanish. I had to stop and watch for a second as she was drop-dead gorgeous. Beautiful face with flawless makeup, attractive hairstyle, a dress that looked like it was handmade to fit her curves exactly, a sexy hint of cleavage, and that was just the anchor on the late network news! The novellas look intriguing. I still need to take a foreign language in college. Hmm... which one should I choose? And why don't my local late news English anchors dress like that?

Experienced an odd "catch 22" moment recently. I've met several ftm transvestites and transexuals over the years, both in person and now on-line. One of the on-line acquaintances is a co-member of a newsgroup forum and has posted pictures of the transition from female to male. The latest batch of pictures show a chest that has healed from all surgeries to masculinize it, toned abs, and muscular arms. I found myself admiring the pictures and thinking she was going to make a very good-looking man. I also found myself noting that I never looked that masculine at any point in my life, and yet I was born male. I am both proud and annoyed by that fact. Paging Dr. Freud!

And finally, belated Thanksgiving greetings and wishes. This has been a really good year for me. I know the Good Lord wants to bless His children, but it is a fault in human nature that we don't recognize all the blessings we receive. I'm poor, and it is easy for me to note that this year has been a very good financial year for me. It takes a bit more concentration and thought to realize that I was also the recipient of some much needed rainfall this year, major storms that can blow through my neck of the woods were kept to a minimal number, I've still got a nice warm roof over my head, and I always had enough food and some to share this year. Mosaic Law stated that the people were to hold feasts, to celebrate, and to give thanks at various times of the year for all the blessings God had given them. A religion that's got a little celebrating in it sounds like a really good thing.

After the tryptophan wore off, I got busy cleaning the dishes and munching on the leftovers. Now for Christmas....

Kelli Y